so i was supposed to make this blog a place of peace and love and flowers and rainbows and unicorns . . . and maybe one day it will be such a place. but i feel so heavy right now, i need a place to throw up the weight.
my life is not "bad" by any stretch of the imagination. it's just very hard to enjoy anything right now. i've always leaned towards the pessimist side of the spectrum and it's been a life long battle to see the glass as half full or whatever optimistic cliche you want to throw at me. yet as I sit here and list my current battles I can't help but NOT see the good. I can't help but want to cry and hyperventalate and throw my hands in the air and say "FUCK IT!" Here is what I have been and will be dealing with as of late:
- school, my final semster. which means. . .THESIS. I'm also taking 16 units. And while this isn't a horrible thing, it's just a lot to deal with. Especially as a mom with a child with particular needs and when those needs aren't being met. . .oh, and all the other unexpected shit that life likes to throw your way like flat tires and such.
- contemplating suing Berkeley Unified School district for breach of contract. Eliot was supposed to start speech and occupational therapy in early September of last year when we made the switch from Regional Centers to BUSD when he turned 3. The people that work in this district are less than competant, are less than caring, and I am struggling to understand why they work with children at all. It has been 6 months and Eliot is still not receiving services. I have called and e-mailed on a regular basis (multiple times a week) and cannot get ANY help. I don't even know who to contact to tell them HEY I WANT TO SUE YOUR ASS. And I don't want money, i want the services that my son is entitled to and was promised. In the mean time, precious, critical time is being WASTED. Nothing makes me more angry than this situation.
- child support mess. I was stupid enough to open up a child support case against my ex thinking he would actually pay. I was perfectly content not having him in the picture at all, despite the numerous people telling me that i needed to make him pay and blah blah blah. I knew it would be trouble If I tried. . .He charmed me into believing he had changed, wanted to pay, etc. etc. etc. So I went through the tiresome process of filling out paperwork, getting things notarized and photocopied, just to have him NOT PAY. Child support started in September of last year. So far, he has made ONE PARTIAL payment. 70 bucks to be exact. i went through ALL of that, for 70 bucks. he also gave me $1000 that was given to him by his grandparents that brings the entire grand total up to $1,070, which doesn't really put a dent in the amount of money I have spent in the past three years caring for my son. now that I've gone through the motions, i want the money. Now I'm pissed. And he likes to work under the table. go figure.
- Eliot's medical problems. there is ALWAYS something going on with this kid. His neurological issues manifest themselves in many ways. Some directly affect his health. he has already had to stay home 3 days this semester, which means I have to stay home. I missed a test in one of my classes that I couldn't make up and had to take a zero. But that's not the worst of it. The horrible part is my son's face when he is in pain. The hard part is trying not to cry as he screams in agony and cries himself to the point of exhaustion and falls asleep on my chest, tear stains on his cheeks. The hardest part is not being able to do enough. not being able to fix it instantly.
- really crappy friends. I've made a few friends since moving to berkeley. few have proven themselves to be anything i would consider a "friend". I had two extremely bad fall-outs with two girls since the beginning of the year. one extremely selfish individual, and one who has lost her grip on reality so badly that she projected all of her anger and frustrations with her own life onto me and said some really strange and messed up things to me in a fight that lasted an entire week-end. And while I am glad to have these people out of my life, it makes me sad that I don't have many close friends here. Nobody to call up and say "hey, wanna run with me to the grocery store" or have a ladies night with. maybe i'm not trying hard enough. then again, do I even have the time?
- no church. i'm scared of church. just the thought of it makes me anxious, yet I know I need it. or at least a small community of like-minded people to gather with. this also makes me feel rather guilty.
I'm trying to enjoy what I can in my life, like my son who is extremely smart and wonderful and full of personality. But when I see him struggle with a word or with a situation at school, i can't help but begin to think about the stupid school district. I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel in regards to school, but I find myself drowing in 500 pages of reading a week and sometimes i ask myself "why in the world did I EVER come here? Did I really expect that I would be able to do this? I must have a screw loose." Then there is the stress of wondering if I'm going to be able to find a job after I graduate, will it pay enough, will i like it, etc. THEN that opens up a whole new issue when I think of the fact that I will lose the free day care that we have received by sending Eliot to UC Berkeley child care. Where will he go after May and will i be able to afford it.
In the friend department, there are a few girls who have reached out to me, whom I would love to spend time with, but then I think "Am I even someone who could BE a good friend right now?" I'm so full of anger and frustration. I'm so bitter. I'm sure it's written all over my face.
I'm trying to be happy. I'm trying to see progress, as small as it may be. I'm looking towards the future for motivation. What can i do? One day at a time, right? Make lists, set reasonable goals. . . I do all of these things. But I feel so sad, and so helpless. So insignificant.
(p.s. I'm not going to take the time to spell check this bad boy. so if you find a type-o and want to bring it to my attention, you can suck it first)