Graduation Announcement

I am pleased to announce the graduation of myself:

Katie Harris will be graduating from UC Berkeley with a degree in Interdisciplinary Studies on May 21st at 9 o’ clock AM in this the year of our Lord 2008 at the Greek Theater. Tickets for this event are $3.50 and if you want one. . .you should buy one. I would buy one for you except I am broke and cannot even afford a proper graduation announcement.
I, unlike the majority of my peers, did not take a senior photo, will not be mailing out announcements or invitations, and am refusing to wear my cap during commencement. How liberal of me. Everyone was right. . .Berkeley DID change me.

There once was a man named Ian. He graduated from college and sent a graduation announcement to Kurt Vonnegut, stating that he would not have graduated without him. Kurt replied:



Oh, Kurt. You always know what to say.
So this is my graduation announcement to all of my Vonneguts. To my boss at Borders who encouraged me to apply to Berkeley even though I thought I had no chance of getting in. To my incredible family and friends who endured countless phone calls filled with crying and hopeless phrases such as "I can’t do this anymore. I’m so stupid to have thought that I could do this. I HATE this." And who have told me they were proud of me more times than they had to. To Joel, for putting up with me during these two years, the two hardest years of my life, and still telling me he loves me every single day. And for maintaining a Vonnegut-like sense of humor with me. And to Eliot, for being my constant motivation, my light at the end of the tunnel, and my comic relief. I love you all so much. I honestly could not have made it through without you.

other sites

I just realized that I haven't updated my photo blog in a long, long time. That is due to the fact that I started a myspace a year ago or so and post pictures to that sight. So if you want to be my friend on myspace you can go to: www.myspace.com/linguisticallydelicious

I also started a website for Eliot at totsites. His website is www.totsites.com/tot/eliotnoble. You need a password to view the sight for privacy issues so if you want the password shoot me an e-mail over to katielynnharris [at] berkeley [dot] edu and i'll give it to you.

xo

concrete floors and puke

One thing, among many, that I love about our new apartment is that our floor downstairs is concrete. Which is good when you have a child with extremely sensitive throat muscles that spasm while eating cocoa puffs and apple juice and said child pukes (or as Eliot says, "cuke") all over the floor. . .like this morning.

This is a pretty regular occurrence during meal time, so it's nice to know that now clean-up will be a breeze! And now that his vocabulary is getting better sometimes i get a fair warning from him like, "momma, i gonna cuke." Sweeter words have ne'er been spoken.

Could have written the book myself. . .

I just finished a book entitled Life as We Know it: A Father, A Family, and an Exceptional Child by Michael Berube. If anyone wants catch a glimpse of what it has been like for me raising Eliot the past 3 and a half years I suggest you read this book. It's short, 248 pages, and can be read in an entire sitting if you have a few spare hours. It's written incredibly well, with passion and brutal honesty. I would have completed the entire book in one sitting but I couldn't get through it emotionally. I cried more times than I care to recall in the month or so that it took me to read it from cover to cover. But I'm so glad I did. I underlined, scribbled in, and starred more things in this book than any other book I own. I'll probably read it a dozen more times throughout my life. Berube not only describes his personal and emotional reactions to his son and his son's disability, but he covers in depth important social and educational policy that directly affect Eliot and my family. Berube's son has Down's Syndrome and I learned some extremely interesting facts about the diagnosis as well as some surprising facts about prenatal testing, false positives and abortion.

Throughout this book I came across many passages that I knew I was going to want to share with the people I loved most. I'll try and keep it to a minimum and not quote the entire book:

The following passage describes a trip to an amusement park when Berube's son Jamie was 3 years old. He thought that Jaime wanted to ride the train but discovered that Jaime didn't want to ride it, he just wanted to stand near it, look at it, and count the cars. He says, "here, at a ride for small children, Jamie seemed clearly. . . limited. Not just unwilling, but somehow unable to enjoy the ride as "normal" children were supposed to enjoy it."

And in a passage on prenatal testing and aborting fetuses that may have Down's Syndrome or any other disability that may be spotted: "If you choose to have this child, your life may become richer and more wonderful than you can imagine, and the child will grow to be a loving, self-aware, irreplaceable member of the human family. And if you choose to have this child, your life may become more arduous and complicated than you can imagine, and you will have to learn some new skills like how to use 'parallel talking' to cope with speech delays or how to negotiate with school personnel for on-site occupational therapy. Furthermore, you will be sad. You will be sad often, acutely, and about many things. You will have a completely different set of expectations for your offspring."

And on being an advocate: "Sometimes Jamie cannot represent himself; he must be represented. In fact, our representations of him are crucial - even legally necessary - to his education and social development."

Berube touches on every aspect of almost every part of my life with Eliot. While our two situations are unique, I appreciate his insight, humor, and candor about a subject that is not easy to talk about and that can easily create a sense of isolation in parents going through what I am.

Eliot continues to amaze me every day. He is a smart boy. He surprises me with new questions like "momma, what's happening?" and "what did you say?" or responding "I don't think so" when i ask him if he is ready to put his PJs on for bed. He is a precious individual who brings more joy to my life than any person I have ever met. I have such hope for him. It is a constant battle to get him what he needs as far as therapy and medical issues are concerned. But it's a fight I will fight to the death.

And I want to thank all of you for your amazing support and help over the past years. I love you all and I know that Eliot does too.

heavy heavy heavy

so i was supposed to make this blog a place of peace and love and flowers and rainbows and unicorns . . . and maybe one day it will be such a place. but i feel so heavy right now, i need a place to throw up the weight.
my life is not "bad" by any stretch of the imagination. it's just very hard to enjoy anything right now. i've always leaned towards the pessimist side of the spectrum and it's been a life long battle to see the glass as half full or whatever optimistic cliche you want to throw at me. yet as I sit here and list my current battles I can't help but NOT see the good. I can't help but want to cry and hyperventalate and throw my hands in the air and say "FUCK IT!" Here is what I have been and will be dealing with as of late:

- school, my final semster. which means. . .THESIS. I'm also taking 16 units. And while this isn't a horrible thing, it's just a lot to deal with. Especially as a mom with a child with particular needs and when those needs aren't being met. . .oh, and all the other unexpected shit that life likes to throw your way like flat tires and such.

- contemplating suing Berkeley Unified School district for breach of contract. Eliot was supposed to start speech and occupational therapy in early September of last year when we made the switch from Regional Centers to BUSD when he turned 3. The people that work in this district are less than competant, are less than caring, and I am struggling to understand why they work with children at all. It has been 6 months and Eliot is still not receiving services. I have called and e-mailed on a regular basis (multiple times a week) and cannot get ANY help. I don't even know who to contact to tell them HEY I WANT TO SUE YOUR ASS. And I don't want money, i want the services that my son is entitled to and was promised. In the mean time, precious, critical time is being WASTED. Nothing makes me more angry than this situation.

- child support mess. I was stupid enough to open up a child support case against my ex thinking he would actually pay. I was perfectly content not having him in the picture at all, despite the numerous people telling me that i needed to make him pay and blah blah blah. I knew it would be trouble If I tried. . .He charmed me into believing he had changed, wanted to pay, etc. etc. etc. So I went through the tiresome process of filling out paperwork, getting things notarized and photocopied, just to have him NOT PAY. Child support started in September of last year. So far, he has made ONE PARTIAL payment. 70 bucks to be exact. i went through ALL of that, for 70 bucks. he also gave me $1000 that was given to him by his grandparents that brings the entire grand total up to $1,070, which doesn't really put a dent in the amount of money I have spent in the past three years caring for my son. now that I've gone through the motions, i want the money. Now I'm pissed. And he likes to work under the table. go figure.

- Eliot's medical problems. there is ALWAYS something going on with this kid. His neurological issues manifest themselves in many ways. Some directly affect his health. he has already had to stay home 3 days this semester, which means I have to stay home. I missed a test in one of my classes that I couldn't make up and had to take a zero. But that's not the worst of it. The horrible part is my son's face when he is in pain. The hard part is trying not to cry as he screams in agony and cries himself to the point of exhaustion and falls asleep on my chest, tear stains on his cheeks. The hardest part is not being able to do enough. not being able to fix it instantly.

- really crappy friends. I've made a few friends since moving to berkeley. few have proven themselves to be anything i would consider a "friend". I had two extremely bad fall-outs with two girls since the beginning of the year. one extremely selfish individual, and one who has lost her grip on reality so badly that she projected all of her anger and frustrations with her own life onto me and said some really strange and messed up things to me in a fight that lasted an entire week-end. And while I am glad to have these people out of my life, it makes me sad that I don't have many close friends here. Nobody to call up and say "hey, wanna run with me to the grocery store" or have a ladies night with. maybe i'm not trying hard enough. then again, do I even have the time?

- no church. i'm scared of church. just the thought of it makes me anxious, yet I know I need it. or at least a small community of like-minded people to gather with. this also makes me feel rather guilty.

I'm trying to enjoy what I can in my life, like my son who is extremely smart and wonderful and full of personality. But when I see him struggle with a word or with a situation at school, i can't help but begin to think about the stupid school district. I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel in regards to school, but I find myself drowing in 500 pages of reading a week and sometimes i ask myself "why in the world did I EVER come here? Did I really expect that I would be able to do this? I must have a screw loose." Then there is the stress of wondering if I'm going to be able to find a job after I graduate, will it pay enough, will i like it, etc. THEN that opens up a whole new issue when I think of the fact that I will lose the free day care that we have received by sending Eliot to UC Berkeley child care. Where will he go after May and will i be able to afford it.
In the friend department, there are a few girls who have reached out to me, whom I would love to spend time with, but then I think "Am I even someone who could BE a good friend right now?" I'm so full of anger and frustration. I'm so bitter. I'm sure it's written all over my face.
I'm trying to be happy. I'm trying to see progress, as small as it may be. I'm looking towards the future for motivation. What can i do? One day at a time, right? Make lists, set reasonable goals. . . I do all of these things. But I feel so sad, and so helpless. So insignificant.

(p.s. I'm not going to take the time to spell check this bad boy. so if you find a type-o and want to bring it to my attention, you can suck it first)

my favorite thing right now

my three year old singing along to this song. he even does it in a high-pitched voice. awesome. i love this band, especially because the singer, at times, can sound like freddie mercury. mmm

I love Lactobacillus acidophilus

what? like you don't know what that is???

I love it just as much as Eliot did I think. Poor kid and his constipation.

If you have kiddos who suffer from chronic constipation this is such an AWESOME helpy helperton. Due to Eliot's Sensory Processing Disorder his diet is lacking. Incredibly lacking. He drinks V8 every day, prune juice every day, and eats chicken every day. For snacks he has various crackers and the occasional piece of fruit. That's it. He's had problems with constipation his entire life but it has been really bad lately. Then I was introduced to Lactobacillus acidophilus DDS-1. I'm usually pretty eerie giving Eliot medicine because of his medical history, BUT this is nothing more than the live bacteria that live in your body and your body can't get enough of it! so, there's no chance of overdose. I think they are vegetarian too, if you're worried about that.

Universal Pre-K

for those of you who don't know, I'm studying quite a few different subjects since i've changed my major. In order to study all of the different things that interest me, I opted to change my major to interdisciplinary studies. The "name" of my degree is "Language and Cognition". My emphasis is early development/education and disability. It's awesome because I get to take linguistics courses, cognitive science courses, and education courses. One thing that has come up and that has been on my mind lately (thinking about what I'm going to do about paying for pre-school for Eliot after I graduate seeing as he will still have a year before he enters Kindergarten) is the idea of Universal Pre-school.
There are a lot of debates going on and I wanted to get some opinions.

in case you need a brief definition:
http://lala.essortment.com/universalpre_rtjy.htm

here is a pro-website:
http://www.earlyeducation.org/

and a con, to be fair:
http://www.universalpreschool.com/

If you want to know my view, it is this: I like it. Pre-school is a choice. We do not have to send our children to pre-school. Those who dislike the proposed system view it as a means of "institutionalizing" children, stating that it would harm them emotionally and psychologically by putting uneccessary pressure on them. I disagree. Personally, Eliot has reaped the benefits of being in a pre-school setting where they try and actually TEACH him things instead of just baby-sitting him. Those in opposition say that you can keep your kids at home and teach them those things at their own pace, and that's fine. But what if you work a 9-5, pick your kid up, feed him dinner, PLAY with him, and then it's time for bed. When do you have time to teach him all of the things he could be learning during that 8 hour day? The weekend? I know a lot of people don't like the idea of putting a young child in somebody elses care for that long, but the fact is, that's life sometimes. As imperfect as it is. I think people are also scared that it would cost them money, money they shouldn't have to pay if they won't be utilizing the program, and that is totally fair. Although my tax dollars go to things I think are stupid too, like street-sweeping (don't get me started). BUT, states like Georgia and New York use the lottery to fund their programs, which takes care of that problem.
I probably need to learn more about it, but so far, I'm pretty sure I like it. CA, get your act together. And quick. I've got 5 months before Eliot is no longer able to attend the UC Berkeley pre-school and I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't afford to pay out the ass to have someone "watch" my son. I'd rather pay out the ass to have someone teach him things. . .actually, i'd rather have that for free.

Come May, I think we're screwed